Relapse is Part of Recovery
There was a nervous energy in the air, static clinging to every inch of Alex's body as the hair on his arms stood up and his heartbeat quickened over the ideas that were floating through his head. The house was quieter, much more silent than it was earlier that day but now, all of the lounge-abouts had quieted down to nothing more than a dull roar, occasionally grunting or stumbling against the cheap drywall which responded with a loud thud. A bitter, burnt smell of vinegar and rubbing alcohol wafted through the house, penetrating Alex's room with a scent that he was all too familiar with, causing the itching in his skin to intensify now that the heroin was beginning to wear away; he was getting anxious now, or maybe that was just the nausea talking. Watch to his face, Alex counted as the seconds ticked by, each one more tempting than the last to just do it...but he couldn't, not without Mattie. The two had promised that if they were going to do this, they would do it together or die trying.Lying back on the frigid concrete floor, eyes focused on the ceiling, Alex wondered what would happen and whether the consequences would be worth the reward should their plan fail. Alex chuckled at the morbid thought:
'What more could they possibly do to us?' Each day was a living hell though even Alex wondered if Satan himself would be less sadistic. His body ached no matter what he did; when he was using, there was this sense of calm, euphoria almost, where Alex could just drift away and forget about everything but even the pain could pierce the veil of pure ecstasy, vivid flashes and blurs of strangers he hardly knew driving a knife through his body repeatedly, often for hours at a time. But when he wasn't using, he craved it in the sickest way. His heart would race so quickly that he felt as though he were going into cardiac arrest to the point that he would be on the floor, clutching his chest, desperately digging through his drawers for a few dollars to make the feeling disappear. And the few times he had managed to keep the desire at bay, entirely sober? The burning, aching pain he felt all across his body, the browning bruises of their fingerprints, the angry red burns across his ankles and wrists - it was too much to bear. And that didn't even take into account the horrifying, explicit memories that he tried so carelessly to drown in everclear and whiskey. But all the drugs and alcohol in the city couldn't take away those memories unless...Alex thought back to the few times his dad had nearly overdosed him, almost envious of that time. If he had only had a little more...
Just a few feet away from Alex's door, he heard someone shuffling around followed by a loud thump of bone colliding with a piece of furniture and a string of swear words with Alex's name thrown in for good measure - as if it were his fault that the couch was there.
"Cockdamn fucking Alexyou--fuckass...piece of shit." He slurred out the words one after the other, using up what Alex assumed to be the majority of his vocabulary. Alex tried to stifle a laugh but his dad was too quick, beating angrily against the cheap door that splintered under the force. "Shut the fuckupin there....IllGIVEYOU SOMETHIN TOLAUGH A--BOUT...you lilfucker." Alex couldn't help but roll his eyes, looking again at the watch: 1:32 am - only 35 minutes to go. His eyes were getting heavier by the second and each minute that ticked by, Alex closed his eyes for just a little longer until he drifted off into a dream.
----
Alex wasn't alone. He was sitting next to a boy, whose dark chocolate hair was overgrown and tangled, hanging into his emerald eyes, with his head resting on the boy's shoulder. Alex was cold and trembling, trying to drown out the pain by mumbling something to his friend about some new game the other kids were playing but he remained silent, only sniffling every now and again. It was Alex who spoke first.
"Mattie?" Alex peered up through his own wild hair to look at his friend, his red eyes revealing to Alex that Mattie, too, had been crying. "What are we going to do?"
Mattie didn't respond at first, staring forward with an expression that Alex couldn't quite read. He waited for what seemed like a long time for him to respond but Mattie was quiet so Alex just tightened his lips. After a minute had passed, Mattie rose without warning and limped his way over to the closet, dropping to his knees to dig for something. Even from the distance that separated the two, Alex could see the blood stains on the back of Mattie's shorts and the way his legs shook with every step his took though Alex looked away without a word - it was an unspoken agreement that the two would never talk about. Mattie re-emerged from the closet with paper in hand and a few broken pencils that he had found beneath the trash and dirty laundry. Plopping back down next to Alex, Mattie began to draw something out, so engaged in the drawing that within a matter of seconds, he had two crudely drawn stick figures standing on a boat, surrounded by poorly drawn waves.
"One day..." Mattie said, Alex's head shooting up and his eyes widening at Mattie's words. "we'll get on a boat. The biggest boat we can find and we'll sail away from here."
Alex looked from Mattie to the drawing and back again. "A boat?"
"Yeah, a boat and it'll be for just you and me."
Alex eyes lit up. "What about our clothes? And our toys? Can we take those too?"
"No!" Mattie snapped. "Where we're going, there'll be new clothes and new toys! Better toys - we don't need these old pieces of crap."
Alex gasped at Mattie's courage - he used a curse word! Alex always admired how cool Mattie could be and the idea of going to a new, exciting place with Mattie sounded like an adventure. For just a moment, Alex couldn't even remember the pain. "Where are we going?"
The smile slowly faded away from Mattie's face. "I don't know..." Mattie looked puzzled as he picked up the pencil again, sketching in a few other things though Alex just raised an eyebrow. "But there will be soft, white fluffy towels and birthday parties with lots of cake! There will so much good food that we'll eat until we die!" He laughed excitedly. "And no one...no one will ever hurt us again."
Alex eyes were sparkling with hope. "You...you can do that, Mattie? You can get us out of here?"
Mattie gave Alex a crooked smile. "I will, I promise. We'll get out of here and we'll leave together, okay? Just promise you'll wait for me, Alex?"
"I wait for you. I promise, Mattie."
----
The sound of an angry couple yelling in the next building over woke Alex abruptly, the terror taking over him for just a second before he realized that he was still alone in his room. He blinked a few times to get his bearings only to realize that he had fallen asleep! Clumsily, Alex pawed around on the floor until he felt the cheap plastic against his hand and held it up to the moonlight: it was 2:18 - he was over ten minutes late for their escape. Panicking, Alex pulled a small draw string bag off of his bed and started to shovel what little he could take with him, Mattie's words still fresh in his mind.
'Take only what you need.'
Alex shoved what little money he had saved into the bag, along with a few lighters, syringes, a half empty bottle of tequila and a spare change of clothes (though Mattie had insisted he didn't take those). Bag thrown over his shoulder, Alex inhaled deeply and took a look at his room, the chipped paint, the cracks in the ceiling, the small pea sized BB holes in his window panes - all of it would be just a bad memory now, left behind in his past where it belonged. He took in the musty, moldy smell that he had grown accustom to and exhaled, ready to breathe fresh air for the first time - one last look and Alex was gone, crawling through the hole that had connected the two rooms since they were just little boys. It was a tight squeeze now, one that Alex wasn't sure he would make but the crawl, although slow, paid off and Alex emerged into Mattie's room, cautiously, at first.
"Mattie?" Alex whispered into the quiet room, the darkness swallowing his words. He looked at Mattie's window, devoid of blinds or curtains but having been taped over with aluminum foil that filtered out all moonlight, and swore under his breath. Alex didn't want to risk crawling out and meeting Mattie's dad face to face again though it seemed as though he was running out of options...and time. With one last push, Alex freed himself from the tiny hole and stepped out into Mattie's room openly, praying silently to himself that there weren't others in the room with him.
"Mattie?" Alex called again but to no answer. He was alone, a thought that both calmed and unnerved Alex - had he already missed him? Was Mattie long gone? Had Alex missed his chance? He bit his lip and could feel tears starting to form in his eyes as his emotions tried to get the better of him but Alex wouldn't have it; he crawled back through the hole to his own room and peered once more at his watch. At this point, Alex was almost twenty minutes late so there was a good chance that Mattie was already long gone, or, the worst case scenario, he was waiting outside and Alex would just have to make his great escape alone. It was a risky move but he had no other options left.
Warily, Alex opened his door just an inch, allowing a sliver of light to dance across the tired white walls while he listened closely for any voices or sounds. It was silent, save for the occasional muffled man's snore or the distant sound of glass breaking a few buildings over which meant that it was now or never and if he didn't take his chance now, there might not be another for quite some time. Another look at his room and Alex was out the door.
He tip toed down the short hallway past the filthy handprints covering the walls and open bags of rotted food that lay scattered across the floor. There were bodies lying on the floor, each of their chests rising and falling with each breath they took, blissful and exhausted after a debauched day's worth of rape and booze. Each step that Alex took caused him to hold his breath, one after the other until he was within arm's reach of the door and ready to make a run for it. As soon as he touched the front door, Alex slowly turned it counter clockwise until the click sounded and he had opened it up to the freedom of the world outside but the hardest part was still to come. Despite the time of night, there were still many different people outside lurking about, many of which who knew Alex intimately as a frequent customer; if they were to catch him, they wouldn't likely let their 'entertainment' get away so easily. Sticking to the shadows wasn't easy, especially given the full moon's night, but he did his best, weaving in between bushes and behind trees to avoid both friends and foes alike. Behind him, a voice called out and Alex's heart leapt into his throat hoping that it was Mattie but, instead, it was another resident of the building, a sleazy blonde woman with a baby on her hip.
"Alex!"
There was that moment where Alex wanted to hide, to pretend he didn't hear her or even make a break for it but that would just seem too obvious - it would be better to face her. Quickly, Alex turned around and gave her a half hearted smile.
"Starr, hey."
"What are you doin' out so late?" She popped a cigarette into her mouth with her free hand and lit it up, blowing the smoke out between her lips and towards the miserable baby girl's eyes. "I thought you're daddy had you on a curfew or somethin'."
"Yeah, he does...sorta..." Alex tried to think of something but the words just weren't coming to him until..."Wait. Have you seen Mattie?"
The woman looked confused for a second, as though she couldn't process the change of subject but she just shrugged. "I saw him yesterday but haven't since then. Guessin' he's been busy."
That answer wasn't what Alex was hoping for.
"So, whatcha out so late for if you're on that curfew?"
"I...uh..."
Starr gasped, inhaling some of the smoke too deeply leading into a coughing fit that could have woken the dead. "Ah nah! You ain't in no gang, right? Your daddy will have your head! He says you should be focusing on work."
"No, I'm not in a gang!" Alex shook his head but she raised an eyebrow.
"Mhm...I don't know, Alex. I need to do what's best for you...Maybe I should take you back to your daddy."
Alex shifted uncomfortably, trying to be nonchalant but it was getting too dangerous now. He looked her up and down carefully, noticing the bruises on her arm where she had suffered what looked like a collapsed vein; Alex smiled a little; he could use that.
"I'm going out to get some stuff, you know?" Alex motioned at her arm, as well as his own. "Running low."
"What? Really? Damn. Well, tell your daddy he owes me somethin' from last time, pretty sure he shorted me."
Alex nodded. "Yeah, definitely. I'll make sure he drops some off at your place tonight." Before she could even respond, Alex slipped away, his head down, buildings passing his right and left until he saw the street. He quickened his pace and rushed towards it, turning the corner and ducking into a nearby alleyway where Mattie said the two would meet.
Except...Mattie wasn't there.
All of Alex's thoughts stopped. Suddenly, dread set in and Alex wasn't sure what to do or what might have happened. Surely Mattie wouldn't have just taken off without him entirely - he would have gotten out and waited here, just like the two had said. But what if he had gotten the wrong day or the wrong time? What if Mattie was already long gone? Starr had mentioned that she hadn't seen Mattie since yesterday and now that Alex had thought about it, neither had he. There was always the possibility that Mattie was still inside the house but he wasn't where he should be. The possibilities were endless and no matter how much Alex prayed, there wouldn't be any answers what with so many questions left unanswered. He knew there would be no choice...he'd have to go back in and find Mattie himself. Sneaking back around the corner, Alex stayed low to the ground, slipping into a nearby bush to observe the building from a distance. Everything seemed fine, even as Alex got closer to home but suddenly, a door swung open and Alex's father emerged, enraged and drunk. He was swearing and screeching at anyone who would listen, throwing Alex's name around incoherently, going from customer door to customer door without warning. Sheer terror tore through Alex's heart and before he could even second guess himself, the minute he saw his dad disappear into another building, Alex began to run. He sprinted down the empty streets away from his home, away from the buildings and away from his dad until he could feel the fire in his lungs but even then, Alex jogged until the gas tank was empty and his legs finally collapsed beneath him. Despite his fatigue and the heightened adrenaline rushing through his veins, Alex found it difficult to feel more than one thing: elation. He had done it - he was finally free.
----
Warm, loving arms were wound tightly around Xander's waist when he awoke that morning, sunshine pouring in from the large windows in the airy white bedroom, clean white sheets wrapped firmly around his legs. Had he been kicking in his sleep again? Xander rolled over in Michael's arms, peering up at his beautiful boyfriend, stroking the copper curls out of his face as he pulled Xander in closer, trying to convince him to linger for just a minute longer.
"Baby..." Xander smiled as he spoke, his voice much deeper yet softer now. "We have to get up - we've got school."
Michael grumbled and nuzzled further into Xander's neck. "Nooooo." He whined, the warmth of their bodies tempting him to stay. Xander snuggled into sweetheart and breathed in his scent, savoring the closeness of the moment in a way he never could before. It was hard to imagine that after all men had done to abuse and mistreat Xander that he would be so willing to involve himself in a relationship with another man - initially, the thought was terrifying but through copious amounts of therapy, Xander had learned a lot and Michael was exactly the kind of person he needed to help him through. Their romance seemed like a simple high school one that would never last but in these moments, the ones where he and Michael were wrapped up in one another, he could feel their future, their forever. Maybe he would skip school today...after all, it was only one day.
A knock came not a minute later, followed by the voice of an angel: Xander's mom, Pretti. Before Xander could say a word, she was already peeking inside, looking at the two boys with a growing smile on her face, while a blush was crawling across Xander's.
"You two ready for school?" Her Georgian accent was thick but her voice was soft and kind, the voice one would expect a mother to have.
Xander pulled the blankets up to his nose. "Do we have to go? Can't we just skip a day?"
The shrinking of her lips and the widening of her eyes said it all; if looks could kill, Pretti would be carrying a fully loaded AK-47, she wasn't having any of it. "You worked so hard to get in school and to make good grades. I'm not letting one lazy day ruin it! Get your butt up, mister..." She gave Michael the side-eye. "Misters."
"Yes Mom." Xander grumbled, waiting until she closed the door to emerge from the bed.
The room was so large that Xander still wasn't entirely sure on how to utilize the space properly, leaving much of it bare but open and airy. It was unpainted, white walls much like the ones in his old room, but the paint was still so new and fresh that occasionally, he could smell it. There weren't any cracks in the ceiling or dirt smeared on the walls - it was just pure and untouched; his space. Next to his bed there was a small nightstand, the cedar colored top covered in fast food cups and trash that Xander had been promising Pretti he'd take out...eventually. The entire right side of his wall had been converted into a nice computer desk with overhead espresso colored book shelves and cabinetry below, most of which went unused, though Xander appreciated the thought. To the right of the door was another, this one a closet which was filled to the brim with, in Xander's opinion, way too many clothes. He wasn't concerned with fashion and insisted that buying so many would be a waste but his parents wouldn't have it - they spoiled him and even Xander knew it. Gathering his clothes up from the floor, Xander shuffled across the freshly vacuumed carpet, enjoying the soft fibers beneath his feet and the warm rays of sunshine that filtered in past the gray curtains. Sometimes, Xander would close his eyes and tell himself it wasn't real but then, he would remind himself: this was his life now.
"Do you know where I threw my backpack?" Michael asked, breaking him out of his appreciative trance. The redhead was looking underneath the bed and digging through the closet but to no avail, though Xander loved how forgetful he could be.
"It's probably still in the car." Xander said with a grin, pulling a shirt over his head that looked a little too big too be his own. "Oh, oops."
Michael glanced over at Xander and smiled at first, having a good chuckle at the oversized shirt on a beanpole like Xander but the grin was chased away within seconds and Xander was sure he knew why. He slipped the shirt off of himself and slid it over Michael's plump frame though Michael refused to meet his eye, obviously still struggling with his the result of his bulimia. Although he had recovered, Michael often felt it went too well and the amount of weight he had gained disgusted him, though the assholes at school didn't help either what with their constant mocking and ruthless words.
"It's a beautiful day, you know..." Xander mumbled, wrapping his arms around Michael's stomach while his head rested delicately on Michael's shoulder. He could feel Michael shrug beneath him, obviously unmoved by Xander's words. "Do you want to talk about it, baby?"
Michael blinked a few times but immediately shook his head. "No, I'm okay."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it's no big deal."
Xander squeezed him tight and then released him from his grip, planting a small kiss on his cheek. "I love you, you know? And no matter what happens or what we go through, I'll always love you and...I'm here for you if you want to talk about it." The words sounded so fake and cheesy - Xander knew exactly what someone didn't want to hear when they were recovering but he was never really good with these kind of things. Even still, Michael took the words in stride and nodded, another cheerful smile slowly growing on his face. "I love you too."
As soon as the two had finished getting dressed and prepped for school, they hurried to the kitchen to grab something to eat before they rushed out the door but were instead met with a delicious smell: the warm, toasty scent of buttery pancakes. Xander peeked his head from behind the doorframe, cautiously observing the area only to see his step-father, Jeff, sitting at the table, paper in hand and coffee in the other. Xander looked back behind him at Michael, motioning for him to make for the door before Jeff noticed that he had spent the night...again
"Come on Xander." Jeff grumbled, still not fully awake despite the cup of coffee he was clutching in his hand. "You too Michael, I know you're here."
Michael and Xander exchanged looks with one another, the two finally walking into the kitchen with their heads hung in shame, defeated at their capture; he thought he had gotten away with it this time but even at his age, Jeff was sharp as a tack. The table was set for the four of them, a cold glass of milk waiting for each of them while Pretti busied herself in the kitchen with a mountain of mouthwatering pancakes. Every now and then, Xander could hear her almost let out a curse word.
"Bi...scuits and gravy, why are these so hard to turn?"
"You need help in there, Pretti?" Jeff asked, not even taking a second to look up from his paper.
"No Jeff!" She snapped. "I got it! I know how to make pancakes. Son of a baker's wife..."
Jeff shrugged, obviously used to his wife's need for independence. Xander eyed him for a moment, trying to examine his face for any sign of anger or frustration at Michael's presence at the table but there was nothing out of the ordinary - then again, Jeff was good at keeping a poker face no matter what the situation. He was a tired looking man, his hair starting to turn a slate gray color at his roots but otherwise, hidden by a clean cut head of full brown hair. There were deep lines on his face, mostly around his mouth where he had refused to smile for so many years and frowning had taken it's toll but the they had faded, become less obvious to those that didn't know Jeff as well; he had even managed to form a couple of laugh lines. But the ones on his forehead had stayed the same; too much furrowing of his eyebrows, a habit Jeff had when he disapproved of something. Jeff brought his coffee cup to his lips and took a nice long drink, his hands revealing a leather-like hide full of calluses and abuse.
"How'd you get in this time?"
Both Xander and Michael jumped at the question, Jeff's gravely voice both commanding yet respectful.
"I came in yesterday to study with Xander. Pretti let me in and I just kind of fell asleep here." Michael admitted sheepishly while Jeff flipped the page of his paper. "I'm sorry..."
"Mhm." Jeff grunted. "No wonder Xander didn't come down for dinner yesterday."
"We had Taco Bell...we bought it on the way home..." Xander admitted with a small, timid grin.
Jeff eyed the left page and then the right, turning the page once again where he mentioned something quietly about someone passing. "Can't believe he was even still alive..." Xander assumed he was off the hook, what with Jeff so consumed in his reading. "So you skipped the food your mom lovingly cooked for you to hide in your room and eat cheap food with some hippie from school?"
"You mean...hipster?" Xander asked, Michael giving him a swift jab in the ribs in return.
Jeff lowered his paper and looked Michael up and down, examining him for only seconds before he retreated behind it again and mumbled:
"Nah, hippie. Look at that crazy hair...you need a haircut, boy?"
Xander was about to object when Pretti appeared next to the table, lowering a plate of pancakes for each of her boys. They were misshapen, most weren't the same color and some had chunks missing from them, most likely stuck to the pan in the kitchen but to Xander, they were perfect.
"Thanks Mom!" He beamed, immediately snatching the syrup off the table to drown them in. "It looks so good!"
Pretti blinked a few times, confused at first but then giggled to herself. "Well baby, thank you kindly. You eat up." Her attention then turned to Jeff where he, too, received a well deserved jab in his ribs. "And Jeff, stop harassing them. Leave those boys alone. They didn't hurt anybody."
"Mhm. Let's see if you're saying that when they're upstairs getting all frisky-"
"JEFF!" Pretti warned, his lips locked tight though the crease in his forehead continued to grow. "You two are fine. Just eat up real quick, otherwise, you're going to be late!"
Xander and Michael scarfed down what they could, their bellies both round and stuffed by the time they left the house, just in time to make it to school before the first bell went off. A quick kiss and the two parted ways, their hands lingering in each other's for just a second longer until the familiar ring of the bell overhead tore them away.
"See you after class."
The day came and went so uneventfully that Xander hadn't even realized that it was Friday until he wandered outside to see Jeff's black truck parked near the entrance of the school. Xander walked over to it and pulled the door open, the sound of classic rock music playing just so faintly over the speakers that Xander could hardly make out the words or what the announcers were saying on the commercial breaks. The two parted the school with few words, save for the same pleasantries the pair often exchanged after each day: how was school, did you make any new friends, do you have a lot of homework, did you have any tests today, how did you do and of course, are you sure you want to do this again? But Xander already knew the answer, as did Jeff but even he drove the usual route to the center and let Xander out in front of the doors, he could see that Jeff still wasn't comfortable with the idea.
"I'll be fine."
"Do you have your cell phone?" Jeff asked in that serious fatherly tone he sometimes got when the situation was too real.
Xander held it up and gave a sure smile to his dad. "I'll be fine. I'll call you if anything happens."
"You have thirty minutes. Exactly thirty minutes, no more."
Xander didn't argue, knowing that it would be in vain to fight against his father's word, closing the truck door behind him and traveling up what seemed like an endless staircase before he reached the doors. He took one look behind him, waved at Jeff and then stepped inside to a new, yet familiar, world.
The recovery center was relatively quiet, save for a little bit of classical music playing from the receptionist's phone, her area nothing more than a small desk surrounded with a number of old, chipped filing cabinets. The floor was covered in an old, dingy carpet that looked as though it had seen better days but Xander smiled at the receptionist none the less and before he could get a word out, he welcomed him back.
"Xander, it's good to see you again. He's been...sad without you here." The woman chose her words carefully though Xander knew what she really wanted to say: angry - he was never melancholy, only bitter and irritable all the way through. "If you take a seat, I'll check in to see if he's currently available for a visit."
Xander did as he was told, taking a moth eaten seat to the left of the desk where he stared at his feet and passed out kind greetings to other patients who walked by.
"Xander?" He jerked his head up. "He's ready to see you now. Please follow Miriam." She motioned at a woman in pink scrubs who Xander followed down a short hallway, taking a left then a right turn, and finally, another right before the two stopped.
"Here you are. Take your time." She gave a weak smile that told Xander that he was probably in a piss poor mood, per the usual, but it would all be worth it in the end: once he was done with this program, the two could be just like they were before, as though nothing had ever changed. Hand on the door, Xander took a deep breath and let it out, pressing down on the lever until the door gave way and Xander had stepped inside.
The room was nothing special: a simple 11x12 area with two beds and only a nightstand between them. There was some recessed lighting above him glowing dimly though most of the light was coming from a small window that was casting tiny sunbeams across the beige colored floor. In front of the two beds, against the other wall, was a small dresser that revealed what Xander guessed would most likely be a Bible when opened. He tugged at the handle of it and saw the unmistakable black cover, adorned with a glossy silver letters before smirking to himself and closing the door; typical.
"About fucking time."
Xander rolled his eyes; already with the attitude? He turned to face him, not the least bit taken back by the bright hue of his lime green mohawk nor the furious scowl on his face but rather his eyes: the same ones he had known since he was a kid, unchanged through it all.
"Hey Matt."
A middle finger and an indignant glare were an answer to his greeting. The man standing before him no longer looked like the same boy he had known growing up, save for his eyes, of course, though the rest of him was vastly different. His head was now shaved on both sides, save for the gaudy green mohawk that split it down the middle and the dark circles under his eyes had only worsened to the point where they had left deep purple bruises beneath the bags and wrinkles. When Matt extended his arms, anxiously pacing the room, Xander could see the track marks already beginning to fade but the damage to his veins had already been done; small scars dotted his arms like a starry night's sky.
"So where the fuck have you been?" Matt snarled, sitting on the edge of the bed with his hands clasped together.
"School..." Xander kept it short. "How's everything been?"
"You know how it's fucking been, don't bring that bullshit in here." He grimaced with every word. "It's shitty. I feel more fucking miserable here than I did on heroin."
"You're coming down..."
Matt stood up, taking a step towards Xander. "Yeah, I know and it still. fucking. sucks. Get me the fuck out of here."
Xander just shrugged helplessly. "I can't...the judge-"
"Just shut the fuck up." Matt cut him off.
It was probably the best way the situation could have played out: if Xander had the option to get Matt out, he was certain that either he would have done it already or Matt would have threatened him into it. But seeing as a judge ordered it over a 'dispute' between the two boys, there was nothing that could be done. Xander glanced over at Matt who was now sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, the effects of withdrawal beginning to fade though the glorious memories of using were most likely still fresh. Everyone had told Xander to be angry, to throw Matt behind bars where he belonged for such a violent offense but seeing his old friend behind bars where he'd be brutalized and beaten just as he was at their childhood homes wouldn't make the pain go away; Xander wanted it to be this way.
"Still with that ginger fuck?"
The question was a recipe for disaster - Xander had to handle it delicately. "Well..." He started slowly. "Sort of but I'm still going to have plenty of time to come se-"
"I don't fucking care about that." Matt was now looking up at Xander, like a predator watching prey from across the room. "What do you mean, sort of?"
Xander looked down at his shoes and sighed softly. "Yes...we are..."
The space between the two diminished as Matt stepped forward within inches of Xander's face, his teeth clenched together. "Really? Fucking really? You couldn't wait for me before and you can't wait for me now?"
"It's just that Michael-"
"I don't give a flying fuck about Michael. WE grew up together, WE went through some shit together and then YOU took off-"
"I thought you had already left!" Xander interjected, feeling powerless as the fight played out.
"But did you even fucking check? Did you go back? Or did you just run like a fucking pussy and save your own sorry ass?"
"I'm sorry Matt!" Xander threw his arms in the air, frustrated, ready to wave the white flag of surrender. "I already told you that I am!"
"But how does that help me now, Xander? You get your perfect fucking life with your perfect fucking family and that little piece of shit and what do I get? Fucking squat."
Xander frowned. "Don't talk about Michael-"
"WHY SHOULD HE GET TO FUCKING HAVE YOU? THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT, XANDER!" His voice cracked as he spoke. "What did he ever do for you? Fucking nothing. What does he know about what you and I went through? Not a shit. Why does he fucking deserve you-"
"Because he loves me."
Matt leaned in closely to Xander, his hot breath licking Xander's lips. "Well maybe he's not the only one."
The words were so real yet so painful to Xander, whose heart felt like it was being broken in two.
"I love you too Matt...." Xander started. "But....just not in that way."
A heavy silence fell between the two as Matt stepped back and just stared at Xander. There were a lot of things in his eyes: anger, confusion but mostly hurt though he hid it will beneath all the hate. He shook his head and turned away, walking back over to the bed where he laid down, his back towards Xander.
"Matt..." He tried to coax him to which Matt gave him another middle finger salute. "Listen I-"
"Just fuck off Xander." Matt grumbled, clutching his pillow so tightly that the tendons in his hand were bulging. "I'm tired..."
Xander didn't try to fight the lie but rather walked towards the door, taking a single step outside before he looked back at his friend and said with a smile:
"One day, we'll get on a boat." The words were embedded into his memory, so deeply ingrained that they were like a second name. "The biggest boat we can find and we'll sail away from here...to somewhere better."
Xander had nearly closed the door when he heard Matt's voice respond.
"There will be soft, white fluffy towels and birthday parties with lots of cake...there will so much good food that we'll eat until we die...and no one...no one will ever hurt us again."
"You promise?"
"I will, I promise. We'll get out of here and we'll leave together. Just promise you'll wait for me, Alex?"
Xander paused, inhaling deeply, letting the air fill his lungs before he exhaled calmly. "I can't tell you that I'll wait for you as a lover...but I'll wait for you to get out of here...as my friend...and my brother. You'll never have to be alone...I wait for you. I promise, Mattie."
