Spiraling Out of Control
Sean lazily pushed a row of products back on the shelf, picking some out of his cart to add to the floor stock before rolling the squeaky wheeled contraption to an empty aisle, where he could take a short break in silence. That was the thing about working in a large store like Wal-Mart: there was never a spare moment where there wasn't a customer eyeing what you were doing or what you were putting on the shelf, or another whining in their most tired, irritated voice about how they couldn't find what they were looking for it in this 'big store'. Sean had just sat down on the edge of the metal shelf when he could see a customer coming down the aisle, prompting him to pretend to be putting up more boxed products until they had finally shuffled away. Save for the few giggly girls that would pass down the row, looking at the various hair ties, brushes and god knows what else, Sean was alone and could allow his mind, and his eyes, to rest. It had been another sleepless night, his thoughts carrying him into the wee hours of the morning where he laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to drift off. But the relief would never come. All he could think about during the night was getting more - more of the delicious, intoxicating stuff that made every day bearable and sent the energy pulsing through his veins like liquid caffeine; a constant high. He could feel his phone vibrate in his pocket but he couldn't bring himself to open his heavy, tired eyes. Whoever it was would just have to wait a little bit longer.
''All spare stockers to the registers please. All spare stockers to the register please.''
Or so he thought. Sean dared himself to open his eyes, his mind filling with dread as he rolled his head to the right, a few workers already fulfilling their duty as they made their way towards the registers with fake smiles plastered on their faces. Register duty was the worst of them all, at least in Sean's opinion. When stocking shelves, they would allow you to put your ear buds into your ear and work but as a cashier, you more or less had to deal with some of the worst kinds of assholes you could ever meet: people who thought that their time was more valuable than yours and there was no need to be nice. With a quiet groan, Sean picked himself up off of the shelf and pulled out his phone to take a quick glance at the time, causing him to become even more frustrated than he was before. He was going to be off in thirty minutes but if he was stuck on register duty, he would be here for least another hour or two while they 'did their best to find someone to switch out with him' which more or less meant that they would halfheartedly call someone over the loudspeaker and hope to god that the employees didn't all run for cover. Now, Sean just wanted to go home but he knew that wouldn't be an option if they needed people on register duty so, facing it like a man, Sean shuffled towards the register area but not before he felt a hand on his shoulder.
''Hey man, I got this. You stay here.'' Chris, a blonde haired guy whom Sean had been working with for the last few months, said with a smile.
''Uh...hey, you sure?'' Sean asked out of obligation, rather than true interest.
''Yeah man. You better make it up to me next time though.''
''Thanks.''
Chris just gave another smile, pulling his headphones out of his ear. ''Don't thank me just yet - you still owe me, bro.''
And with that, Sean was relieved from cashier duty and left to his department completely by himself. Sure, there were the pharmacists and the techs, but none of them were going to leave their post either which mean Sean was home free if he wanted to...no. He wouldn't allow that to happen again, not after everything he had done so far. Four days sober - that was something to be proud of, right? That was the longest he had ever been without being high before and with Andrew...well, now he had higher expectations to work towards.
For the next fifteen minutes, Sean sat down an empty aisle with his eyes closed, focusing on the seconds ticking by rather than the urges he was feeling for another hit, another shot, another second of feeling like he was unstoppable. He couldn't let himself think about anymore because when he did, his mind would wander to places that he wasn't sure he wanted to go anymore but it was hard. Finally, he felt another vibration in his pocket but this time, it was his saving grace: a timer that Sean had set for when he could get his things together and go home, back to Andrew and away from all of this temptation. It was a constant thought, especially as Sean prepared to go home and had to pass the row of hair sprays that he had set up only a few minutes earlier. Not a single one had been taken yet and he had left a few in the cart a few aisles over...if he took one and replaced it, would anyone notice? Sean doubted it, daring himself to go over to the shelf and slip one into his bag before waltzing over to the other aisle to take one from the cart and replace it on the shelf to keep up appearances.
'See? Look how easy it would be for someone to steal from this place.' His mind tried to reason what Sean had just done but as he made his way out the door, head down and eyes focused on the floor, Sean already knew what he was going to do with it and there was no stopping him now.
Waiting was the hardest part for Sean. Knowing that it was so accessible and right there for him, waiting to be huffed, was difficult to ignore. Maybe if he just huffed a few times, he could be set until he got home and Andrew would just think he was working late. Then, when Andrew went to sleep, he could pretend to be taking a late night shower and take a few more hits. Or, he could go spend the night at a friend's house and have the whole night to live it up. But the more Sean seemed to think about it, the more he wanted it and the quicker he realized, he couldn't even wait that long. In a darkened alleyway with a torn up, dirt covered rag in his hand, Sean sprayed the hair product into it, allowing it to soak in before taking a few good whiffs. For people like him, who had been doing it for a while, it would take a little longer for the dizziness to kick in, but when it did...it would be amazing. Slowly, with each deep breath he took, Sean would take in the intoxicating fumes into his lungs, letting them soak into his blood, his mind and his heart until he felt the calming dizziness wash over him and his mind fill with ease. It was beautiful and there was nothing in this world that was quite like it.
Soon, Sean began to notice the tiniest of things, such as an ant struggling to carry what appeared to be a crumb back to its hole and the pounding sound of footsteps against the pavement, regular men and women going home to their perfect families. He could have sworn he even saw someone approach him, a woman that he didn't recognize, waving in front of his face. He wanted to speak to her but he couldn't quite find the right words in his head, his brain struggling to form a sentence so he just looked at her with a vacant stare. The whole world seem to be slower, louder and more interesting than it was before but the one thing it wasn't was stressful and that is what Sean loved the most. He breathed into the warm, comforting piece of cloth again and just laughed softly to himself, wondering what could be better than this. A quiet hum begging to be heard answered him but in the current state he was in, Sean wasn't quite sure where it was coming from. He could feel the movement coming from somewhere on him and hear the sound increase in volume but there was nothing Sean could do until he came down a little more. Each time Sean felt the dizziness begin to fade, he would tell himself that he would only do one more but one more had become six more now within that time and the sun was already starting to set. He shifted the dirt uncomfortably underneath him, digging out a rock just as something fell out of his pocket and illuminated so brightly that Sean almost had to shield his eyes. It was his cell phone and it was shown the little message icon to indicate a text was coming through. Clumsily, Sean mistyped his access code, a firm warning displaying 'Try Again' until, on the fifth try, he finally got it right. A message pulled up on his screen and Sean's eyes widened at the content.
Hey Sean. Hope you are doing okay. Just wanted to say I'm proud of you and I've cooked you dinner for when you get home, okay?
Sean's eyes continued down the page.
I haven't heard from you in a while, just wanted to make sure everything is okay. Let me know. Love you.
Tears were beginning to form in Sean's eyes as he read each one, the tone of the messages becoming more worried as time went on when finally, he had reached the last one.
I'll always be there for you if you need help. Please just let me know if you're okay and don't be afraid to lean on me for support - I want to help you. I love you, Sean. You can do this.
By the final text message, Sean was silently sobbing into his hands, the damp rag rolling around in the dirt as a filthy reminder of what he had just done to not only himself, but to Andrew has well. Disappointment replaced all feelings of dizziness and his mind was no longer worry free as it was before. All of the hard work had amounted to nothing and again, Sean had let someone else down, even if they didn't know it yet. His heart heavy, his head throbbing and his eyes reddened by both the inhalant and the tears, Sean stumbled his way out of the alley and into the open street where cars were stuck at a red light. Looking to the left and then the right, Sean realized he wasn't sure where he was but if he could just find a street sign, that would be good enough to get him started on his way home. Nearly falling while stepping back up on the curb, Sean grabbed the arm of a nearby man to keep himself on his feet, though the man ripped his arm out of Sean's grasp.
''Addict.'' He muttered heartlessly to Sean who just stared at him.
''W...w..her...am....i...iee?'' Sean asked, wondering if the words were coming out as clearly for the man as they were in his mind.
''Get yourself clean and get a job.'' The man shot back, completely ignoring Sean's question. ''Disgusting.''
The man, whose business suit and briefcase told him everything he needed to know, didn't turn around to even look at Sean who had now fallen to his knees and was sobbing on the curb uncontrollably. A few onlookers were now staring at the scene in shock and fear, several of them already speaking to someone on their cell phones though Sean wasn't quite sure to whom they were speaking until he saw the familiar red and blue flashing lights pull up next to him.
''Put your hands where I can see them.''
Sean lifted his hands up over his head, partly to block out the blinding lights of the police car and partly because an unknown voice had just told him to. Seconds later, he felt the cold metal against his wrists and was being lowered into the back of a police car by a large, Mexican officer who was reading him what little rights he had left. Onlookers had now gathered into a large circle near the scene though the other officer, a tall, balding white man was trying to shoo them away the best he could so Sean and the officer had a moment to speak.
''Do you know why we're taking you in?''
Sean nodded.
''You can't be doing this you know. It's dangerous.''
Sean didn't respond this time, even with a gesture.
''Do you want to be in jail?''
Sean was in his own world now, tuning the officer out who eventually closed the door on him and slid into the front seat, his partner sliding in on the passenger's side with a deep sigh. The car ride was quiet, giving Sean time to come down that when they arrived at the police station, he was coherent enough to make Andrew his one phone call, though he considered his other options first. What would he even say to Andrew? Would Andrew be mad at him or would he just be happy he was okay? Should he even call? There seemed to be no point in arguing with himself mentally; he had no one else to call. Tapping the little silver numbers on the jail's phone, Sean listened for the ringing, halfway praying that he wouldn't pick up.
''Hello?'' A voice crackled through the old phone receiver.
''I..it's...m...me.'' Sean said so softly, he wondered if Andrew could even hear it. ''Could you come get me?''
A long pause followed, gripping Sean's heart with fear. Had he hung up?
Breathing followed and then, his voice. ''Where are you?''
''The jail on...'' Sean looked at the officers who mouthed to him the address. ''Nathan Lane.''
''I'll be there in a minute.''
Like a child who had started a food fight at school and was now sitting in the principal's office, Sean was forced to wait in the open until Andrew arrived. Even when Andrew came through the doors though, there was no celebration and Sean couldn't even look him in the eyes. He could see Andrew speaking to the officers, signing off some paperwork and forming the words 'Thank you' with his mouth. But when he walked over to Sean, all the light from his eyes faded and there wasn't a warm smile to greet him anymore. Sean's handcuffs were removed and the two left the station together in Andrew's car. The car ride was even more uncomfortable than the one that Sean had taken in the police car, both of the men sitting in silence until they arrived home to their tiny apartment. With the car off, the two just sat unmoved, the silence between them growing with tension as the seconds ticked by. Both of them were clearly unsure of what they should say, but Sean finally decided that he should probably be the one to break the ice, since it was him that made Andrew come all the way down the station in the first place.
''Andrew, I-'' Sean began, completely startled by Andrew's arms being thrown around his neck. He didn't speak for the longest time, just clutching Sean to his chest and squeezing him so tightly that it gave Sean the same kind of dizziness that he felt when he was huffing only hours ago. Now, all they had were each other and in this moment, nothing else seemed to matter but them. Finally, Andrew pushed Sean away to arms length, keeping his hands firmly placed on his shoulders.
''Don't you ever fucking do that to me again.''
''I'm...I'm so so-''
''I didn't know where you were. Do you know what I thought happened to you?!''
Sean stared at him dumbly, cocking his head to the side.
''I just...I'm glad you're okay.''
Sean was speechless, staring at Andrew with complete and total disbelief. He wasn't angry at him...Andrew was worried. The two let the words spoken sink in but with the roar of the engine coming back to life, Sean looked at Andrew questioningly.
''I want to take you somewhere.''
At first, Sean was a little hesitant to stay in the car or even agree, thinking that he had gotten tired of him and was ready to take Sean back to the jail to be locked up for good but the look in Andrew's eyes wasn't one of anger, it was excitement - a life that he had never seen before. A simple nod was all Sean had to give and Andrew was off, speeding down the streets and side streets for what seemed like an eternity. They were on the outskirts of town now, a heavily wooded area with tall, towering trees and where the ground seemed to be untouched by the milky moonlight of the night. He looked over at Andrew, still unsure about this, but as Andrew rolled his car up onto a dirt path, between two of the largest trees Sean had ever seen, he cut the engine off and climbed out of the car.
''Come on.'' He beckoned to Sean who was still sitting in the car cautiously, watching Andrew disappear into the darkness.
''W...wait for me!'' Sean called out, ripping open his car door and slamming it behind him before he rushed after Andrew whom he could still hear walking somewhere in front of him. ''Where are we going, Andrew?''
''Somewhere that can help you.'' His voice responded back from somewhere close.
''And where is that - a rehab center?''
Andrew laughed but didn't address the question. A half mile hike in the moonlight had Sean wondering if Andrew was the one on drugs but as he came to a clearing, he could see a large, well built wooden building just at the top of the hill. Sean looked at Andrew, who reached out for his hand so that he could lead him up to it and upon closer inspect, Sean couldn't help but vocalize his words aloud.
''Is that...''
''Sean...I...am a Satanist. I know it's a little...different but...I think we can help you here. So....uh...I want to be the first one to welcome you...'' Andrew announced with a less than confident smile. ''To the church of Satan.''
